"Stuck in my windpipe"

Ice cream cones are always disappointing.

It's like having your dessert first then having to endure a steak and chips. I am of course talking about the cone itself. Of course you have to have something to hold the ice-cream part, and it's the untimate in environmental friendliness, but after a gorgeous double cone with flake and raspberry sauce there is always the dreary and tasteless wafer bit to finish off.

I think they should spice up the cone part. They should try and flavour them a bit - or have double-layered cones with caramel or (even more) raspberry sauce in the middle. Or how about making them out of flavoured crystallised sugar - imagine having these transparent cones! You could see the ice-cream melting inside and then crunch away on what was essentially a hard-boiled sweet.

Yeah, much better! But don't even get me started on lollipops - I always get splinters stuck in my windpipe. Those sticks are just dangerous...

How to make your dog hate you:

Dignity? What dignity, I'm an animal like you!

And why I love cats:

I'll eat your neck in a few years.

"Knap my flint"

I love Time Team on Channel 4. Archaeology is fantastic and really interesting but it has always really annoyed me at the ridiculous time limit they impose on themselves.

For those unaware, they find a promising site to excavate and give themselves 3 days to do it. Yup, 3 days. They are always hurrying up the digging, quickly putting in test trenches at the last minute "hoping to identify" some feature.

Why? Give yourself a week at least! What is the point in having an archaeological expedition and only giving yourself 30 hours of daylight? If that! They have found some excellent sites in their time but they are so very often annoyed that they ran out of time at the end and didn't have the time to explore further to pin down some evidence.

GIVE YOURSELVES TIME, TEAM!

Sorry. That was really bad wasn't it...

"Why don't YOU sing it you lazy f..."

Recently caught some of the Coldplay mini-concert recordings on Radio 1 and was once again incensed by the most annoying thing any live singer can do.

Robbie Williams is more guilty than most of doing it. During a song the singer will suddenly stop singing, hold the microphone out to the audience (like that's actually going to work, twat) and force them to sing the tune, lest there be a period of uncomfortable silence. Then they take the microphone back and (depending on the song) this stop-start contrivance continues for the rest of the piece and beyond.

All I can say is: "I PAID to come in here and see and hear YOU sing your fecking songs with YOUR voice, not some tuneless, half-drunk, half-remembered version bellowed in my fecking ear by some idiot who thinks that if he sings it loud enough the singer will notice and invite him up on stage or something!"

Thanks :)