If real life was like a soap opera...

...I'd have at least three secret siblings, two mothers, a murdering father-in-law and have slept with my girlfriends ex-boyfriends boyfriend. Twice. But it's not. So I haven't.

I haven't watched any soap operas for years. It was Home and Away when I was a young 'un, then Coronation Street and Emmerdale. Latterly just Emmerdale as Corrie slowly turned into a daily run of the dreadful Christmas pantomime version. Then Emmerdale became Dinglevision, as every bastard offspring and inbred arsewipe relative descended onto the Dales to irreparably damage the local tourist industry.

But the main reason I no longer watch them is because I don't have to. Thankfully the front halves of the weekly listings magazines are devoted to spoiling every formulaically scripted event of the coming seven days. Roy's man-wife Hayley has a secret son from before the testicle-chop? Wow, what a surprise that will be! Er no, not really. Not after reading a full page article detailing the exact chain of events that will lead her to discovering this secret and even showing a photo of her lost son to completely ruin any sense of suspense.

To be honest I'm not surprised. The level of sophistication of the plotting of these utterly farcical dramas is set so low for the vacuous people that watch it I'm surprised the production companies don't send round a personal story-shouter to the house of every dim-witted viewer, to sit next to them whilst the episode plays, bellowing the major plot points into their earholes in case they don't understand what's happening on the goggle box wot shows pics and stuff.

Anyway, got to go now. That local TV news helicopter is hovering distractingly low over my house again. Better get next door's wife in with me so that when it inevitably crashes through my roof in a contrived "event" we can be trapped in a small room and spend the next two episodes having a dramatic heart-to-heart in which we find out that we have had long-repressed feelings for each other after all. Then I die from boredom.

Pedestrian crossing wrongness

There is a pedestrian crossing on the way into town that is the most useless pedestrian crossing I've ever seen.

The basic idea of such a crossing is to stop traffic to allow pedestrians to safely cross the road. This one doesn't. It waits until there is no traffic coming in either direction before changing the lights to red. Which kind of defeats the purpose...

Happy Holidays!

However you celebrate this time of the year, have yourselves a good one and take care! :D

Camcorder crap

Low-budget indie films are mostly rubbish and seem to revolve around the same themes: ridiculous horror (typically Vampires), poorly-choreographed action, relentlessly grim and unengaging social drama or laughably snarling gangster pics.
For god's sake why? Why are so many of them poorly shot, appallingly acted, cliched crap? Why not a low-budget romantic comedy, or serious drama or historical piece? Ah yes, that's because that would require someone able to write a decent script and a vague idea of how to direct a movie.
My bad :)

Karaoke newsagents

Been into WH Smiths recently? What is it with the karaoke coming through the speakers?

I know shops have to pay now if they want to play original version of songs, but for goodness sake they could at least hire some decent session singers to cover them? At least ones who could actually hit the required notes and don't sound like they're trying to show off to their mates on SingStar?

I can't get out of the place fast enough now. Especially when the "Sugababes" come on...

Important question

Kangaroos - do they get fluff in the corners? 

AA = AAAAAAAARGH!

Promise I won't bang on about TV ads after this, but another one that I
simply have to turn the TV off for is the AA "Call out my name" ad.

They have completely buggered up the ryhthm of the song, changing
when the lyrics come in, so that they can fit the chorus  into the length
of the ad. It is utterly infuriating and it winds me up no end!

"... aaaand relax!"